Thank you for making me feel the way I did… I am gald it started and ended that way.
Thank you for being a part of my life… and always remember you will always have a special place in my heart…
Thank you for showing me who I can become… who I want to be … and who i want to hide.
Thank you for the mornings… for the kisses… and for the goodbyes…
You think saying sorry for being stupid is a noble act…
You think that admitting that you did not know the answer to a simple question makes you look less disappointing…
You think that apologizing for an act which you were caught doing multiple times makes it all ok….
YOU ARE WRONG…
YOU’RE A FUCKING RETARDED MORON THEN …
YOU’RE A FUCKING RETARDED MORON NOW…
AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE A FUCKING RETARDED MORON IN THE FUTURE!!!!
Nobody knows your name… no one had seen your face.
You have been a figment of my subconscious lurking in my most secret hide away. Now you are back…
I saw your face, I said your name. I remember your face… but i don’t feel the same. Is it anger? is it love gone dead… or is it me?
I was young as you were…we were wild and we were careless. We stared at each other’s eyes as we go to sleep, leaving everything and anything that does not involve our love… our life…
The moments I have spent with you was like a dream… from the first time I saw you in a trance… to the last time you left me in tears… You were the love of my life…
What happened to me? what have I become?There are days that I wonder if I’ll ever be the same as who I was when I was with you… I am so broken…
Anger, hatred, inferiority… this was never me… you took my heart with you when you walked away… you took a life that would have been great. A lost love, an abandoned house, a dead little angel…
Now look at me … the pain you have caused is still lined on my face. so are other pains that I have gone through since you left…
If I see you will you make my heart beat fast? When I look at you in the eyes will I remember who I was? If you hold me and make love to me will it feel the same?
Why did you come back?
Its been such a long time since I got online. I had no internet and for some insane reason no matter how hard I try I am nowadays impatient with taking care of things and dealing with the “Pinoy Mentality” of work-at-my-own-fucking-pace attitude. Smart, GLobe, PLDT the fuckin whole lot got some acid-tounge from the infamous JAMIE… But…that is not why I am writing.
First of all… I am FURIOUS!!! To be honest, i have never had any type of good relationships with anybody aside from people at work. Not my parents, my sisters, my brother, my old friends, not even my boyfriend. Last week I had to work for seven days straight!!! until FUCKING SUNDAY!!! and for what??? something which is not even MINE!!!
No offense… to anybody… I am just being DOWN RIGHT FUCKIN HONEST!
I for starters have been lagging with my own work…and to be frank… really… NO ONE IS FUCKING GOING TO HELP ME !!!! I did my job… i fulfilled my commitments… THAT IS NOT MY FUCKIN RESPONSIBILTY SO DEAL WITH IT!!!!
People see me everyday looking like shit… That is because MY FUCKING LIFE IS SHIT! My parents don’t know me…My sisters don’t talk to me… My boyfriend complains that I do not have the time for him… I DON’T EVEN HAVE TIME FOR MYSELF. I have lost every single … non-work related friend that I had thanks to being the “busy bee”. I end up socializing with my current BF’s friends who, by the way are either so smitten with me that they’d create chaos…or fucking HATES MY GUTS…either way I end up being someone’s HATE WALL!
How can my life turn out like this … when other people’s lives are sooooo damn fucking good!
I am angry! and nothing at this point can fucking change my MIND!
I do not mean to hurt anybody’s feelings I have always been honest… and This is the fucking truth!
You can’t handle it??? SO FUCKING SUE ME!
This room was once alive with all your laughter
And when I heard the silence I called you right away
Now please don’t say a word hear what I say
Love me like the first time again
Lets pretend that it’s never gonna end
For one last night
Just hold me in the way you used to do
You know, love me like the first time and go
Is it my imagination are you lonely
Well I’m sorry but I thought you’re sounding sad
I’m not trying to start a fire again please listen
If you’re free at all tomorrow the next day who knows when
For the last time can we say goodbye as friends
Repeat 2x
Oh love me like the first time again
Lets pretend it’s never gonna end
For one last night
Just hold me in the way you used to do
You know, love me like the first time and go
I have tried to tell you how I felt. And all I ever got as “Sorry” … its ok. Im a big girl and You just don’t understand. One day you’ll look back and see. How it would have been. By that time, I’m over you.
What am I doing? Sitting here thinking when I am supposedly not to? What the hell have I gotten myself into? Again all these thoughts, again all this stress! It’s wearing me out!!!
Last night I found myself writing his name on a piece of paper…over and over again. I was suppose to be training people and making them understand concepts. Making them study theories and practice common sense!Instead I sit there in front of my computer…like a fucking idiot writing down one name! And what do I do with it? As soon as I realized what I have done … i tear the paper off my notebook and threw it out in the trash bin. PATHETIC!
What I miss the most out of all of this? what i miss the most is to feel loved. What I miss the most is to feel wanted. To know that when I get home someone’s smile is waiting for me… What I miss the most right now … is to not care. Honestly, I miss not feeling. If I can just turn it off for one day … just for one day all these thoughts and all these thinking… i promise I wont ever miss anything again. 
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life… But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I woke up today with a smile on my face. Funny how long it has been since I did that … it made me happy.
I promised myself that i will not think. I can do it. I won’t think. Because if I would … I’ll lose my happy feeling. I’ll be back to where I started. With you….. I like this. I’ll settle. I won’t ask. This time, I’ll be happy.
Its a given classic… most people think that I am a mean girl…well yeah? I could be. But mean girls don’t get mean just because hey wanna be. That is sooo high school. I am done with all of that.
I for one do not have my own enemies. My enemies are people who thinks that they are tough enough to take me on. Most of them back off even before we start the “game” Second… My enemies are my friend’s enemies. Who by some chance, fate, or a stroke of damn luck… I always happen to attract the sweetest, most defenseless girls on the planet and I have the urge to, all of a sudden protect them from the mean harsh world.
Its a tough job. I got used to it. My ex told me once that I am very aggressive to the point of being combative… he told me that I was always agressive with other people but not when it comes to him… *sigh* no wonder he can just leave me like that … ANYWAY… He suggested “anger management” I declined the gracious offer thinking that I don’t need it… I kinda think of myself as The Hulk… on days when I’m pushed to the wall… I GO GREEN!!! *rawr*